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Psychotherapy Comedy Helpline – Sheila-M Top Stand-Up Comedy Online



Have you ever made a phone call and got one of those answer machine messages? I work as a therapist and went to get some help from the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) and got their helpline. I’m sharing the experience of what they said with the audience.


Psychotherapy Comedy Helpline – Sheila-M online stand up comedy uk


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Psychotherapy Helpline – Audio Transcription

Sheila: Hey folks, I did mention earlier on that, yes I do work as a therapist. And err, there was a thing called “The Psychotherapy Helpline”. So I decided to ring it up and I got the answer machine. And it went like this. Hello and welcome to the psychotherapy helpline. If you are an obsessive compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly, at 5 second intervals.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are co-dependant, please ask your partner to press 2 for you.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are schizophrenic, a little voice inside your head will tell you which number to press.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: We will trace the call and get back to you.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Was it that scary? I heard you go oh, oh, oh (looking at someone in the audience).

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Manic depressives, press all the numbers at once, you may as well, cus no one will answer anyway.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Addictives press hash.

Audience: A few laughs and groans.

Sheila: That’s for you Matt.

Audience: Laughs.

Sheila: Delusionists press star.

Audience: Laughs.

Man In Audience: Press Sober.

Sheila: Sober? Is there a number for it? Maybe on your phone. Phobics don’t press anything!

Audience: A few laughs and groans.

Sheila: And for all of you who are anal retentive, please hold.

Audience: Lots and lots of laughs.

Link to: British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists

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