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What’s in My Bag? Stand Up Comedy



Have you ever wondered what is in a woman’s handbag? Well, I reveal (almost) all in this video!


What’s In My Bag / Purse? Stand up comedy live on women’s handbag stuff by Sheila-M


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What’s In My Bag – Audio Transcription

Sheila-M: Ok folks, I’ve got a little bit of a treat. This is especially for the men in the audience.

Audience: Cheers

Sheila-M: I’m not going to take my clothes off.

Audience: Ohh.

Sheila-M: Oh good, I’ve done that before and got “Yay”. Thanks a lot for that! But no, what I have done is brought in my handbag, to show you what women carry in their handbags. David, you’re curious aren’t you? You’re curious you, aren’t you? Who else is curious? Peter, are you curious? So are you, Jesus, what have you done to your handbag? Bloody hell! You’re probably used to people checking it at the jail cells.

Sue: Only condoms.

Sheila-M: Only condoms. Thanks, thanks for that! If you need any condoms tonight, Sue has, has.

Sue: I’m selling them.

Sheila-M: She’s selling them. Only for a pound? Is that so?

Neville: Has she got extra large?

Audience & Sheila: Laughter!

Sheila-M: Neville wants to know if you’ve got any extra large condoms.

Sue: You wish!

Audience: A lot of commotion.

Sheila-M: Hold on, hold on! Phew! There’s a real smell of bull (Sheila-M waves hand as if to waft a smell away), coming from over there.

Audience: A lot of commotion and laughter.

Sheila-M: I didn’t say hung like a bull, I meant bull shite, ok! Anyway, folks (Sheila-M picks up her bag), I’ve brought in my handbag! I think it’s very fitting for this environment actually. If you’ve noticed, there’s a bit of a cow theme going on (holding her bag made of cows hide with black and white patches). You see, the thing is, is that Daisy wasn’t milking very well on the farm. So it’s.

Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (loudly with sympathy for the cow)!

Sheila-M: Now that’s just a bit over the top Vicki. Ohh is ok but the ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, sounds like you’re in pain. A bit like what Daisy was.

Neville’s wife: What do you expect? That is true, you are married to Nev and you do have my condolences! Um, but yes, Daisy wasn’t milking very well so we thought, you know, that we’d give her the old bullet and we’d, we’d you know, commend her by making a handbag out of her skin!

Audience: Oh and whey

Sheila-M: Yea, it’s true, and we had a little bit left so we thought that we’d make a pair of slippers as well

Audience: Laughs and groans!!!

Sheila-M: But we only had enough skin for one which really isn’t really any good unless you’re Heather Mills

Audience: Lots of groans!!!

Sheila-M: Ok, right, now. Folks, here’s a little tip for you right. When you’re inside the nightclub and you’re trying to chat up this woman and she seems like she’s in bad form. Have a look into her handbag. Now, if you find one of these (pulling out a sanitary towel and holding it up), you’ll know why!

Audience: Some light laughs but a bit stunned into silence.

Sheila-M: If you find a sanitary towel, and Neville there’s going what (in a questioning look), but err, I’ve never had sex since I changed them in school. And err the thing about these is if you’re sweating inside the discos (slaps sanitary pad on her forehead), these make great padding, ok? They’re very handy for that sort of thing! Now, if you’re inside the nightclub, now women, you don’t want to be looking desperate tonight. You wanna be busy and you’re other mates may have gotten lucky, and maybe with each other, but anyway. But you don’t want to be looking desperate so you have a fag (pulls out a packet of cigarettes). Right? And if you have it, you can tell how old this box is, if you have a fag you need to have?

Male in audience plus others: A lighter?

Sheila-M: Nooo! You need to have an inhaler (pulls one out from the bag and holds it up)!

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila-M: Cause it doesn’t look very attractive if you start turning blue. So, so, you need, you need to have one of those (drops it on the floor). I’m a bit messy I am. Um yes, Vaseline (pulling out a small tub).

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: It’s very good for the lips (drops tub on floor)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: I might hang on to that later. Oh all right (looking into bag and pulling something out). This ur, this actually is, looks like perfume but actually makes great mace. So if you’ve got a fella shacking up and you want to get rid of him, just go sssssss (pretends to spray around neck and in the air in-front of her) ssssss into his eyes! And if he’s wearing glasses, take em off! Ok now ohhh yes (has a little laugh to herself), I do actually have a condom in here (holding one in the air). I forgot I had it. No, you only have one condom. Cause if you’ve more than one condom you’ll look like a right fecking slapper (flicks it on floor)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: Now you need a bit of Rohypnol, oh oh sorry, sorry about that (pretends to look embarrassed! Um, yeah, you need, you need a tape recorder (waving it in the air). Ok? Cause when you meet a bloke (laughing and pointing to someone in the audience). When you meet a bloke, and he says to ya, I love ya, come on we’ll go back now and have Jiggy Jiggy (moving her body in a sexual motion). I’ll love ya for ever and ever and ever! Well, a year later, when you’re on the Jeremy Kyle Show and he says, I never saw that slapper in my life! Evidence (holds tape recorder up in the air)!

Audience: Lots of laughs!

Sheila-M: This really stands up in a court of law! Not that I’d know anything about that (puts recorder back in bag)! But, the most important thing that a woman needs in her handbag, do you wanna guess what? Come on folks, what’s the most important thing that a woman needs in her handbag?

Audience: Various suggestions!

Sheila-M: She needs a measuring tap (said enthusiastically as she opens it out above her head)!

Audience: Cheers and laughter!

Sheila-M: Thank you! You see blokes, this is not nine inches (tape measure has been retracted very small)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: No, this is not nine inches (extending tape measure a little), nooo, nooo! Nev, nooo (looking over to Neville in audience)! This is not (extends it a little more), this is nine inches (extends it to nine inches)!

Audience: Laughs!

Sheila-M: And it’s worth the wait (laughing and smiling)! I love Susan’s smile, ohhhh yeah! So that is what women carry in their handbags (arms stretched out wide)!

Audience: Lots of cheers, laughter and applause!

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